What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 02:38
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I have no regrets .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why are American women so ugly nowadays?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Homophobia is clearly a harmful mental sickness. What can LGBT people do to cure it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
How can people balance religious beliefs with seeking professional mental health care?
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Is it recommended to leave a note in a lost wallet asking for it to be returned?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Who then, do I blame.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So whats the point in blame.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
She was in good health!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was 9 years of age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Would this be the day?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
She married twice! .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What did i know ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She loved him until the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
But, we were locked up after school.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And i lived it daily.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
All the time i was locked up.
I said to her
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was very sick at this time too.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I will be 64.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When she asked me how she looked .